Say what you need to say...

I went to the movies last night with my best friend of 25 years. This was supposed to be a night out for my birthday, but when she picked me up, she was in a less than enthusiastic mood. We don't see each other a lot and we both, I thought, were really looking forward to it.

I made my usual joke about how she was late and when I didn't get the usual response, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I look over to see a tear slowly roll down her cheek. Birthday tear? Was she just that happy to see me? Was my joke THAT offensive?

Nope.

Right before she left the house, her husband told her that he didn't want her to go. He knew that we had plans. He knew this was a birthday celebration. He also knew that we had postponed this once already. This is not his usual behavior and unfortunately said some things in anger that will always be remembered. Her response? "Fine-I won't go out again for the rest of the summer".

Infantile and dramatic? Yes. (after knowing someone for 25 years I can call it what it is.)

Realistic? No

Knowing them as well as I do and loving them both, I'm well aware the problem wasn't going to an early movie and having popcorn for dinner. The underlying situation was lack of family time. If given the choice, he will often stay home with her and the kids. For her, a outside-the-house social life is essential for balance. There's nothing wrong with either. She apologized to me for ranting and wished she could sometimes keep things to herself. In the wisest words I could think of, this is what I had to offer:

"When you get home, rationally and lovingly say this....'what happened today will not happen again. What could have been a awesome night was brought down considerably by our issues. So here is what I propose. I will go out 2 times a month. Might be twice in the same week or once every other week. You will go out 2 times a month. If you CHOOSE to not go out....not my problem. And we WILL have at least one date night a month.'"

Learning lessons all over the place these days, this is what I got this time....

A) Say what you need to say. Actually talk about what's upsetting you, not the little things that are so much easier to criticize.

B) Talk to your friends. If you don't say what you need to say, you will miss any opportunity to learn from people who have been where you are and have come out the other side bigger and better.

C) Turn your criticism into complaints. "I wish we had more family time" is always better than, "you're never home anymore-what's wrong with you?"


I hope that everyone has an amazing summer full of joy, laughter and truthfulness.



ENJOY

Cara