Say what you need to say...

I went to the movies last night with my best friend of 25 years. This was supposed to be a night out for my birthday, but when she picked me up, she was in a less than enthusiastic mood. We don't see each other a lot and we both, I thought, were really looking forward to it.

I made my usual joke about how she was late and when I didn't get the usual response, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I look over to see a tear slowly roll down her cheek. Birthday tear? Was she just that happy to see me? Was my joke THAT offensive?

Nope.

Right before she left the house, her husband told her that he didn't want her to go. He knew that we had plans. He knew this was a birthday celebration. He also knew that we had postponed this once already. This is not his usual behavior and unfortunately said some things in anger that will always be remembered. Her response? "Fine-I won't go out again for the rest of the summer".

Infantile and dramatic? Yes. (after knowing someone for 25 years I can call it what it is.)

Realistic? No

Knowing them as well as I do and loving them both, I'm well aware the problem wasn't going to an early movie and having popcorn for dinner. The underlying situation was lack of family time. If given the choice, he will often stay home with her and the kids. For her, a outside-the-house social life is essential for balance. There's nothing wrong with either. She apologized to me for ranting and wished she could sometimes keep things to herself. In the wisest words I could think of, this is what I had to offer:

"When you get home, rationally and lovingly say this....'what happened today will not happen again. What could have been a awesome night was brought down considerably by our issues. So here is what I propose. I will go out 2 times a month. Might be twice in the same week or once every other week. You will go out 2 times a month. If you CHOOSE to not go out....not my problem. And we WILL have at least one date night a month.'"

Learning lessons all over the place these days, this is what I got this time....

A) Say what you need to say. Actually talk about what's upsetting you, not the little things that are so much easier to criticize.

B) Talk to your friends. If you don't say what you need to say, you will miss any opportunity to learn from people who have been where you are and have come out the other side bigger and better.

C) Turn your criticism into complaints. "I wish we had more family time" is always better than, "you're never home anymore-what's wrong with you?"


I hope that everyone has an amazing summer full of joy, laughter and truthfulness.



ENJOY

Cara

Mind your own business

I was at the gym on Friday, halfway through a level 3 step class (it sounds way cooler when I say it that way), when a lady set up her step right beside me at the back of the room. When I say halfway through, I really mean halfway through. About 35 minutes into the class, she joins in. What my first thought SHOULD have been was "hey-at least you're here, have fun!". What was my first, second and third thought?..."who shows up 35 mins into a class like this? how does she expect to catch up? She doesn't even know what we're doing". If you've read past entries, you know the choreography can be challenging and this class was no exception and to join in halfway through in my opinion, was suicide.

I continued to watch this lady try to follow along and try to keep up but as she missed all the direction that came with the first 1/2 hour, there was just no way. I kept one eye on her and one eye on the instructor because I just HAD to see what this woman was doing. I started missing turns, around-the-worlds and my personal favorite the Elvis step. Now I was frustrated and feeling once again like that drunk hippopotamus. I realized that the more I watched this lady hold her own personal step class in the back of the room, the more I lost focus on what I was supposed to be doing. So I turned all of my attention forward and got back on track.

There are 2 lessons I learned from this.

Lesson #1. Cara, pay attention to your own stuff. Who cares when this lady showed up or what she can do. She came out and tried and that's all that matters.

At the end of this bizarre Friday morning gym class, she came up to me and said... "I'll never get any better if I don't do this regularly".

Lesson #2. You cannot expect to get anywhere with half the information and half the time put in.

I went for a run today. at 11:30. in the heat.

An ambulance drove by and my first thought was- I swear- "oh good...some one called the paramedics." This was followed by "if I flag them down like a taxi, would they stop?"

I hope that you all are doing something challenging today.

enjoy the sun








Cara

no...I insist... you first... after me

I was at the Costco Optical Centre the other day, waiting patiently in line like most people do at Costco.



Let's be honest here...the reason they sell the big, bulk items is so that you don't pass out from hunger while waiting. You can eat 1/2 of the 12lb bag of whole grain tortilla chips with flax and still arrive home with enough product to make nachos for your teenage nephews who eat like they've never seen food before.

So anyway, back to me waiting patiently in line. The young man behind the counter saw that I and another gentleman were needing to speak with him. He looked at both of us and said politely "I'm not sure who was here first...." The other customer said "she was" but as I step up to order new contacts, he cuts in with "...but I have only a quick question. Can you...."

What he should have said is, "I can see that you were here first but, clearly, my time is far more important than yours, so I'm going to go first."

Now, do I think that he really thought that? Probably not, but how does he know that what I was waiting for wasn't just as simple? And did he not know Mark had made it through the checkout in Costco Olympic record time and was now left unattended by the soft serve ice cream? I had places to be - and fast.

I wondered (because I had time to now) how many times I have done this? Jumped in because I knew that I would be super quick and therefore allowing the person that was waiting to take all the time they need. I'm trying to be unselfish, by putting myself first. On the flip side of that now, I realize why the other person doesn't shower me with praise and thank you's for my tremendous generosity. It's because they're muttering under their breath all of the questionable words and phrases I just did. I have clearly let them know exactly how important I think they are.

I have sent the wrong message to many people and I apologize. There is no one on this planet who does not deserve to feel important, loved and put first. I am willing to wait my turn to show that I care. What did Mark do? He put me first by waiting patiently and seemed remarkably less than bothered eating his ice cream as we walked to the car.